jesus' favorite

experiment day 27

Today
9:07pm

I'm grateful for the croatian street festival my cousin, myself, and our dudes when to today. It took me back to the days of dancing, family, my grandmother (Baki), music, and the feeling of being part of a culture. It made me wish I took my Baki seriously and learned to speak beyond the 'hi how are yous, give me a kiss, oh God, and pass the meat.' Thanks to my cousins, I do have some swear words under my belt, but otherwise, it made me miss her. And my family.

Laku Noch

experiment day 26

Today
1:33pm

I'm grateful for:

-my friends who are coming to see the show tonight
-my completion of a new speed of sprints on the treadmill, thanks to my friend's trainer
-AJ's email
-the rain
-the fixing of my husband's bike
-the laughter from my dad
-the lavendar flowers falling on Colorado Ave
-the ability to notice it all

(p.s. shanks? i hear you're peering in on my nerd-o-blog-o-bird. things must be really f'in slow in your edit bay).

elbow and send

experiment day 25

Today
11:05pm

This is the building my gym is in. I stretched tonight on the balcony overlooking it.
For me the ocean = instant gratitude.

Elbow and good night.

experiment day 24

Today
11:38pm

I had the day off. From teaching. From camera-ing. From writing. So I spent a bit of it cleaning, gyming, but mostly just being.

In some of that being time, I ichated with my step-sis. After some fun laughs, I shared with her how I've been a little heart achey lately. Not bitter. Not mad at others. Actually the opposite. Just worried about my path. Coming to the realization I have no back-up plan. None. Knowing deep down I'm afraid of the silly optimist that makes up 95% of my being.

As she tippity typed some wonderful uplifting thoughts back, her little icon/face/whatever you call it picture thing that sits next to your screen name kept smiling back at me...looking so much like Nan (her mom. my step-mom). For a second it was as if Nan was tippity typing back.

Which took me to this. Ewwwwww. I just re-linked my own post. Not sure I've earned that right. I'm not the Beastie Boys who remixed their own shit in Intergalactic Planetary...but alas, her thoughts brought me back to that post.

We have an alley outside our house in Florida that I paced the night after it happened. Up and down. Up and down. While others tried to dream away the nightmare of what had just happened or at least staying in their respective beds to pace, I remember with each step, in cheap flip flops and airplane hair, vowing over and over and over again...

'make this life count.'
'make this life count.'
'make this life count.'

So it's 2 years later.

And I'm sitting in it. In that vow. Wondering. Asking. Contemplating HOW. Wishing I could have that inner awareness ALL THE TIME without the pain of that moment.

What I do know is I changed that night.

Maybe to a slightly quieter version of myself. To a more honest one, for sure. To one that can't help but feel these things, and fight for some purpose in life that counts. I remember bursting into tears while packing Splenda into sugar caddies at my old job, knowing full well if Nan had one more day, she wouldn't be doing this! And it helped me to quit.

So what would she do?
What do I do?
If there was anything else in life I wanted to do (career wise) I would do it.
Some other more secure path.
But there's not.
And I'm back to where I am now.
The 95% half-full girl living in a 95% half-empty industry.

I just keep hearing her voice.
A fragile, yet strong whisper.
'Make it count. Make it count.'
Maybe I just need the desire and I can let the universe take care of the how.
Who knows.
I do know I'm grateful for her.
Divorce sucks. And as a 6-year-old, it really sucked.
But it gave me her.
An honor that I got to have for as long as she was suppose to be on this earth.
These are all statement sentences 'cuz they don't really flow.
Elbow and send.

experiment day 23

Today
12:10 am

I'm so grateful for all your posts yesterday. seriously, they REALLY helped. thank you! thank you! thank you!

And while at the gym today, this one kept ringing thru my head...

2. Your 'yes' moment might be closer than you think. The best time to be 'open' is after a rejection. The hardest time to be 'open' is after a rejection... :)

So true. It's hard. You have to go against all instincts and stay open. It's not faith if you have to have evidence of it.

Thanks again.

elbow and send.

experiment day 22

Let's just call it day 22.

rejection.

it's never easy to take. whether it's 6-grade boy crush that won't 'go' with you or those couple big jobs, this week, that could have made a sweet sweet difference in your life. the beginning of a real difference.

Sigh.

your brain knows it all 'part of the game' but your little heart just needs a second. especially when you get a taste. of what your heart REALLY wants to do. and then you go back to some day job where you're seen as a low level nothing.

it's not bitterness. it's not 'why me!!!!' it's just rejection.

but just as i'm typing this, i'm remembering someone told me once...

'it's not rejection. it's just not yet.'

just not yet.

just not yet.

ok.

my heart's brain can understand that. just not yet.

i guess that means, hold on. keep working. keep reaching. right?

so i'm grateful for remembering that. which came from writing this. which came from all of you. which came from being able to type. which came from being able to see. which came from being here. now. this. me. i guess i'm grateful for me. even when i do suck.

MAN!!!!!!! This got real hippy dippy all of a sudden.

elbow and smoke a fattie.

experiment day 21

Today
10:47pm

It was a high stress work day. I'll spare you the details but I was snippy and bitchy. And there never is a good excuse for that. So I'm grateful for the awareness, and the ability to be better. Tomorrow.

Till then, hi pillow.

experiment day 20

'Fake 23 blast, with a backside George reverse!'
'Fake 23 blast, with a backside George reverse!'

I'm a HUGE sucker for sports movies! From Rudy to Cutting Edge, I love the story of the team or athlete that beats all odds, comes from behind, takes a beating, and comes out on top. I love the underdog. Maybe fair to say...I'm an underdog at heart.

I'm grateful for the time I got to relax today and blow off watching 'Remember the Titans.' I'm grateful for my heart, while wildly sensitive at times, gets to feel, be effected, and touched...whether it be by a movie, a news story, or just the old man at the gym busting 70s aerobic moves.

I'm also grateful for the times I played sports, all the way thru college, and watching my big bro play too. Reminds me of easy times.

experiment day 19

Today
10:23pm

I'm grateful for:
the sweet sounds of the new death cab album
dinner with my man
the gym
david cook (yes, i said it)
realizations
facing fears
downtime
laughter
sweat pants

Elbow and go

experiment day 18

Today
6:01pm

I'm grateful for sleep.

That's it. Boop beep bitty beep beep booperific batman.