jesus' favorite

early

If you've followed any part of this blogitty blog blog, you've been forced to hear about my sleep patterns. Late nights. Early nights. Mind racers. Whatever. So today, rather than wrestle sheets, I got up and I watched the sunrise. Nothing like a Hawaii one from my quaint little pad, but enough to see light. Literally it's like taking an emotional shower. A new breath. A new day. A new opportunity to not be a dick.

My brother got jumped last weekend. A fit ex-football player full of spit fire and goodness, got hand selected by a senseless act of violence in the downtown area of his hometown. Prodded by one, then shit kicked by a group. It's maddening and confusing. You can know all the details and yet, bottom line, gang violence is gang violence. And yes, it was a gang. Who GETS to do it. Because they can. He's ok. And luckily there were no knives or guns, or else this would be a different post that I'm not ready for. I think about my social work days and the gang-training seminars I attended and the ...'if they ask where you're from you say...Nowhere.' Fuck that. None of that works. If they wanna find a fight, they will. So it makes me hate. And makes me mad. And in this world, I don't have time for it.

So, in the words of creepy Ms. Dion, 'a new day.' I'm off to the gym to kick the shit out of a treadmill.

ummm...

yes please.

call off the dogs

just when i think its time to kill this blog, i go back and read your comments. random posts here and there. then i get selfish cuz i want to keep those comments up just so i can go back and feel good about 'em. and i'm not techey enough to understand how to save this blog offline. or just save what you've written. so, can anyone tell me how to do that?

man, you people. i don't deserve you.

watch...

my friend Greg's documentary. Resolved. On HBO.

It rocks. He rocks. He also did this. A total MUST MUST SEE! It will rock your heart.

tick stop

I drove on the crowded 405 yesterday evening, sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. My radio was off, my phone buried in my purse, my car motionless. But I was flying. High off the fumes of working as an actor...on a fun set of a commercial with amazing people where I got to improvise all day long. Ahhh!!! Aside from a sunrise in Hawaii with my husband, it's my second favorite thing to do. I know, it sounds cliche and old, but in this business, you gotta savor all your victories.

I could have sat there all night if needed. Just drinking in the gratitude of working, the excitement of more to come, the acknowledgment of progress (I remember the day all I wanted was an audition..and now I will have 3 commericals running at once), and the belief in the process. In being patient. In not being a fuck who quits cuz it doesn't come easy. (Cut to: me many a times!!!!). (I remember the night a friend's girlfriend got a modeling contract while hostessing at The Cheesecake Factory. I was knee deep in clam chowder, bad tips, and a invitation to go see 'The Mummy' with a cook).

Yeah yeah, I can hear it now...'don't get too excited. Shit always ebbs and flows. You'll be on the down side in no time, it's a lottery, it's all luck, better have fun while it lasts, it's the hardest business to be in, what's your back up plan, so what, it's just a commercial, blah blah blah.' But rather than take in all the old tapes accumulated from my own head and other people's stories, I'll live in this one. 'When you're doing your heart's desire, time stops.' And it's been stopping more and more these days.

When does time stop for you?

result

happy happy..., originally uploaded by archanasr.

30 days, give or take a few more, and the result...

I'm happier.

The vomit meter on my brain has receeded and The Smiths have been replaced with Coldplay's newest. (Yes, I was hooked by the itunes commerical last night during Lost. Suck it).

Regardless, a more happier anthem.

I thank those of you from the bottom of my heart who played along, shared along, commented along. Reading all your gratitude instantly made me more grateful...for your kids I'll never meet, your families, your alone time, your beauty...all of it. I then felt better about my life...my man, my health, my loves. Imagine how that works.

Someone commented somewhere in day 20s that this experiment showed 'I had a sweet soul.' I think that's the best compliment I've even gotten. Although the first time I got 'nice rack' from a boy I was diggin' was pretty fucking rad, I'd say this one was best to date. So thanks faceless friend.

I also realized too, that honesty is cool. Honesty about who you are, what you stand for, and the belief you have in yourself. Regardless of what others say or jobs you book, you can either own who you are...or you can pray to some US Weekly God and hope that you come close. But in the end, you still wake up you. With a decision to make. And, for today, I'm good with it. Real good with it. In fact, bring it on.

As for more gratitude lists...I'm keeping it up offline, and will contine to blog here about random nothings or planned somethings. If anything, to work on writing better sentences than the one above.

Till then.

Elbow and Thank You.

experiment day 29

Today
11:22pm

I'm grateful for my friend's show tonight. A mix of comedy and honesty. My perfect blend.

Elbow and one more day.

experiment day 28

Today
9:57pm

I'm grateful for our service men and women. Nan used to work in military health services helping vets get care. With funding cuts and red tape, she worked overtime trying anyway she could but sometimes they just had to wait. I watched part of a documentary tonight about survivors of the war. It was beyond emotional. To think what we, as a country, are doing. And for what. I'll save you my soap box but it's just so sad.

So if anyone has any family or friends in that middle east mess, I wish them safe passage home.

Till tomorrow.

experiment day 27

Today
9:07pm

I'm grateful for the croatian street festival my cousin, myself, and our dudes when to today. It took me back to the days of dancing, family, my grandmother (Baki), music, and the feeling of being part of a culture. It made me wish I took my Baki seriously and learned to speak beyond the 'hi how are yous, give me a kiss, oh God, and pass the meat.' Thanks to my cousins, I do have some swear words under my belt, but otherwise, it made me miss her. And my family.

Laku Noch

experiment day 26

Today
1:33pm

I'm grateful for:

-my friends who are coming to see the show tonight
-my completion of a new speed of sprints on the treadmill, thanks to my friend's trainer
-AJ's email
-the rain
-the fixing of my husband's bike
-the laughter from my dad
-the lavendar flowers falling on Colorado Ave
-the ability to notice it all

(p.s. shanks? i hear you're peering in on my nerd-o-blog-o-bird. things must be really f'in slow in your edit bay).

elbow and send