mix tape

I’m stuck. I can’t talk about it. But I can give you my soundtrack right now.

Track 1: Breathe Me- Sia
Track 2: I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
Track 3: Wake Up (Acoustic Album Version) - Alanis Morissette***
Track 4: Pictures of Success - Rilo Kiley (j.vatch. j.vatch)
Track 5: Time to Dance - Panic! At The Disco
Track 6: In the Waiting Line – Zero 7

Listen. Rinse. Repeat.

What’s your soundtrack?

***That’s a real honest moment, cuz I could get a lot of flack for listening to Alanis. However, there is something about her and her music that takes me back to a time.

A time when I claimed my independence.

The short version:

It was Xmas. I was a Junior in college. I lived with 5 other girls off campus. 5 hot girls in a big house with a lot of hook up space. Now, there was never a time that you didn’t go home for Xmas. You finish exams and you go home. To Michigan, to Pennsylvania, to Connecticut, to Chicago, to New York, to Toledo, wherever. The bars are deserted. The workout room is bare. The library is creepy. And no one stays close, except for some random science teacher and that one dude who commutes.

Right before exams I landed my first role in an improv troupe off-campus. Like in the cool hipster part of town, in this cool-ass underground theater. Not associated with school at all. Totally on a whim. With people from performing arts school and shit. I was floored that I was picked. I had no improv experience and all my stage shit was dance and bad highschool acting to Chorus Line. But I auditioned on a dare.

For the show, we had rehearsal over the holiday. So I thought. Learn to improv and spend Xmas/New Years alone or sit at Xmas dinner dodging disapproval drunk glances from my Saint John suit wearing grandmother or law school questions from other shit-fucks. Hummm. No one had ever skipped Xmas mass or dinner. NO ONE. Do I dare?

So I dared. And stayed. In an empty house. With me. And a snow shovel to make sure I could dig my way out of the driveway. And a present from Johnny that I opened on Xmas morning. And that’s when 'Jagged Little Pill' came alive. I made a mix tape of it, put it in my yellow Sony walkman, and started running. In the cold. In the snow. Where my breath would form visible shapes and my lunges would burn. With a K2 headband and a neck warmer. I didn’t go far. But I felt like I did. In my mind I was ‘chariots of fire.’ But I’m sure it was more like Oprah power walking. My snot would freeze, my toes would shrivel, but I felt so fucking alive. So fucking alive!! Alanis sang about sucking cock and being raw. About being different. About being mad. About being sad. And I was, for the first time, giving myself permission to feel all that. And for the first time, making a choice for myself.

So that's why I listen to her.

OH. And P.S:

When did you figure out that people from your past were reading your blog? People that you aren’t friends with anymore. Not family or people that you want to reconnect with. But others. Like reading it, and not telling you they were reading it. Not commenting. But kinda spying on you. Cuz when you cross paths with them, they know. And you know. And you can see it in their eyes they are secretly judging?

I guess that’s the risk you take, right?

But what did you do?

Did you pull the plug on your blog? Did you stop being honest? Did you just say fuck it?

Comments

[Ginger]

I never write anything that I couldn't be honest or handle a discussion with. People that you know online may find you offline. People you know offline can always manage to find you online. If people can find Wil's blog, they can definitely find yours through his, heh. So, yeah. Basically, I say, "Fuck 'em", as opposed to "Fuck it". Works for me.

[LissaMonster]

I knew that some of my relatives read my blog, but I discovered recently that lots more than I thought are reading it. And I found out just today that a girl I knew back in high school is reading my blog. But I say, "Fuck it!" I'm gonna write what I want and if they can't handle my life or my humour or my interests or how I write, then they can just not read, ya know? Their reading my blog doesn't change what happens in my life.

[M. Douglas Wray]

One word: confront.

Good luck, if you're captured or killed, at least you fought.

[Craig]

Fuck 'em. The past is the past. High schoool and Uni just don't matter anymore. Yeah, Alanis is embarrassing, but I can remember when she was trying to get into Ottawa bars based on her success as an underage bubblegum pop star. She rocks so much harder because of that, not despite it.
Who cares who's lurking and waiting for you to reveal something about yourself, so that they can go: "I always knew ther was something about her..."?
Talk about people whose opinons you shuld care nothing about...

[Angel]

I catch a lot of flack for what I write in my blog. I've had old friends contact me and say "Why exactly are you writing about me?" and estranged family members hunt me down to "discuss" what they percieve as me airing our family laundry in public. I don't have close relations with any of them (or as you say "family boo bitty blah blah"), and sometimes I'll write things that I know they read just to incite them (because I'm evil that way) only to take it down hours later, and other times it's as real as it comes and I refuse to mince words. My blog came alive again once I stopped being a part of the world as I saw it, and with it came the knowledge that a blog is about how I view the world...not about how many people I have to sidestep around. And for every bad phone call I try and avoid about it, or staring glances I get when I walk by people I used to know, I get two emails or comments in my blog that encourage me to keep some sort of tangible evidence of my thoughts.....plus, if I could find the key to my Holly Hobbie diary, I'd probably use that instead. I think I flushed it when I was 8, I can't be certain.

The truth hurts. And if someone can't look at you as you see yourself (through your writings on your blog), then they have sacrificed the right to have an opinion.

PS. Alanis singing "Crazy" is very cool. You must try and find it, the video is great.

[Angel]

PPS. Listen to the song Look Up by Stars. It's my personal chicken noodle soup.

[Juanita Harris]

Fuck it. Definitely. Alanis rocks.

[bryarly]

My husband's ex-wife (we were all friends for 10 years before they got divorced) reads my blog and makes snotty (at best) and hateful lying (at worst) comments. To call her simply an "ex-wife" is insufficient and does not explain the complexity adequately. My husband and I both married when we were just out of high school to people we thought were our "soul mates." Turns out, both of them had wandering private parts and were abusive. The 4 of us were friends for a long time and then both of us finally decided to have some dignity and leave them. We ended up sharing an apartment as best friends and then realized we'd been pretty stupid all these years for not realizing we should be together, so that's how it ended up. So 10 years later, she's not stopped picking at us from afar, calling his mother, breaking the rules of their divorce that he had to put in to stipulate she couldn't contact us. I eventually switched sites for my blog, so she would have to register with Typekey to post, and that has kept her quiet, except for rebuttal posts in her Livejournal.

Point here, is that I think this happens to everyone. Just be true to yourself and stop listening to the critics.

[Roxanne]

I had family reading my blog and they didn't seeem to like what I was writing (didn't stop the bastards from reading it!) so I moved. They haven't found me, but if they do, oh well. I try to write like there is no one reading it, because it is for me.

I love Alanis too, Jagged Little Pill was the best. And I am not just saying that because she is a fellow Canucklehead...I really do love her!

[Angel]

It begs the question, how many of our relations/onceuponatimeago friends have nothing better to do than harangue (look Mr. Enns! You were right, English class IS useful eventually!) those that have moved on?

It's impossible to say that we truly don't care, because even the most carefree of us still will stop and wonder what impression he/she is leaving. But it's when you are forced to deal with people with whom you have no actual bond with anymore...that's when we should be able to back up, wash our hands of it, and say "You can do whatever you'd like, and while you're doing just that...feel free to not bother me, kthanks". (English skills have obviously departed)

[Puckett]

I've been doing a site for 6 years or so now (although it's been infrequently updated of late). My response is always simple, regardless of who stumbles across it - if you don't like it, don't read it. If you want to engage, do so respectfully and I'll respond in kind until it's counter-productive. I don't change my site nor do I apologize for having an opinion. If someone doesn't like it, they should really read something else. And yes, I really am that blunt about it. What people get upset says more about them than it does about you and it says more about the time they were socialized in than it does about the time they live in. Keep being fearless, regardless of what people say. Fearlessness leads to freedom. :)

[Anna]

What's to be embarrassed about Alanis? She got slammed for having the ovaries to speak her mind, which is all the more reason to listen to her.

As for your question, if they are no longer a part of your life, then why does their opinion of your blog matter to you?

[Kara]

My family reads my blog. My ultra-liberal aunt worships the cyberspace it's written on, and the rest of my fairly conserative family just asks if I really need to use the "f-word" so much. I say it's my blog, and I'll post whatever I want to post.

However, I do not post any bitching about my family. Bitching about certain members would do nothing but create a holy-living-hell-shitstorm for me and a few others. Rather than cause more trouble than it's worth, I just don't talk about them. That does not mean I don't keep a secret, totally anonymous blog somewhere out there where I complain to my heart's content, changing names, etc. But I cannot and will not say hurtful things about people I'm close to. And I never, EVER post things about work or my co-workers on my main blog.

I did post this phrase on my website though: "My cousin actually thought this guy was signaling to people outside the yoga studio to come in and kill us all. Yes, the hippy with the jingly ankle bracelets is going summon his elite tactical force of serial killers to murder us all in a yoga studio in Yellow Springs while doing Hindu peace chants." Don't get me started on the media-induced terror my small-town family lives in.

But generally, my friends and I keep blogs to keep up on each others' lives. Some of us live in different states. Some of us are just really busy or dealing with a lot of drama at the moment.

Because I have my own site, I use Haloscan just for my comments. I have total control over them, can delete them, edit them, and even ban the IP address that posted them. I've already had to censor a few that got out of control. And no, I have no problem censoring jackasses that make shitty, stupid comments.

Blink 182 gives me a similar feeling. My husband asked me out on our first date to go see them. It was pre-Enema of the State and ball-bearing-macrame-necklace-wearing fratboys weren't in the crowds. It was still crusty punks. When I listen to them, I feel like I did when I was first falling in love...all the excitement, uncertainty, and general alive-ness that goes with being young and having your whole future ahead of you. Sometimes I like that feeling. Sometimes I hate it.

[Becky]

I kept blogging...but I told my dad (whom I had not invited to read my blog), that it was not proper netiquette to read a blog and not comment at least once so the person knew you were reading. There was shit I was writing about that I would not have been sharing if I'd known he was visiting. But I have Site Meter, so I found out when he came by. But it had probably been weeks since I'd checked it, so hadn't realized until it was too late. I don't know why it ticked me off so badly. I think it was because it was like he was spying on me. It's really put a crimp in our relationship. And now, every time I see the rr.com domain on Site Meter, I get a knot in my gut. I know blogs are public fare, but in some ways, not really. Someone has to go out of their way to find you if you don't tell them about it. They have to link from another blog or do a search or something. I'm only listed on my friends' scrapbooking blogs, so he really had to do some digging around. Anyway, he's not visiting anymore.

[annie]

Becky-

Thanks. What's Site Meter?

[golfwidow]

I called them out. As in, "What, is reading me in private a little easier than apologizing publicly? Coward?"

[Liz]

"Breathe Me" by Sia is a great, hauntingly beautiful song, isn't it?

Great soundtrack. I still like Alanis too. Listening to 'Jagged Little Pill' reminds me of a less complicated time in my life... don't let 'em give you any flack.

[Khalil A.]

That's the hardest part of it all. Most of the time, I just don't care about what other people'll think.

However if I have to critise a person, whom I know reads my blog, I don't think I'll do it.

[joel]

Still, it takes a certain amount of something to start a blog, knowing that everyone, including those you might wish not, may eventually seek it out or stumble upon it by accident. I continue to keep one because so far the benefits outweigh any downside.

[Bethany]

I say fuck it and post anyway... but that's just me. Life is too short to hide behind the curtain.

[Azriel]

what do you have to be not-proud of.

seriously.

you are brilliant, and nothing you say here is something you shouldnt be proud of.

its time for you to love to be you.

we love you, go for it. you have so much support:)

[Robin Dahlberg]

One of my more recent mottos is "I won't apologize for being who I am." Living without apology means you don't have to worry about what others think. Of course, the reason why it's a motto is you have to say it over and over to remind yourself.

Blogs live a much different life than a personal journal or diary that's not online. I'm not sure it's fair to say that readers who don't comment are spys. Maybe they're not sure what to say, or they're a total stranger and don't feel right in making a comment. Is it weirder to you that a person with a past connection is reading up on you without saying anything, or weirder that a complete stranger like me enjoys your writing and occasionally posts a comment?

[Jenica]

Definitely, fuck it. I do it because I want to, regardless of who's reading.

[annie]

Hey Robin,

Thanks for the great question: 'Is it weirder to you that a person with a past connection is reading up on you without saying anything, or weirder that a complete stranger like me enjoys your writing and occasionally posts a comment?'

it's totally weirder to me that people i have had pasts with are reading without commenting...whether in person, or the blog or by email. even just one acknowledgement.

a comment to this blog, especially by a stranger, is just an ADDED bonus to this entire thing. and i SO appreciate it. the fact that we build this community of strangers who support eachother is cool to me.

so, to clarify the 'spies' comment...it's not to strangers. i totally read other blogs without commenting. but if i was to ever meet them in person, i would say...'hey, i read your blog.'

it's about the people i know...or knew who don't admit to reading it, and then kinda slip or know something that i have written about. OR, you can just see it in their face that they know way more about you lately, than you do about them. you feel naked.

so that's why there is that part that goes....'well, i'll just stop writing.' and then that other part that goes....'it's their problem.'

thanks for the great question.

[shane]

Ahh...The Bloggers Dilemma. I had mine. It was called:

To The Newbies

http://hollywoodlog.typepad.com/nickerblog/2005/06/to_the_newbies.html