bet

I lost a bet.

So now I have to start a blog.

It’s that simple.

Apparently the Kings of Nerdville decided this would be fair punishment. Not a shot, or a drink, or something normal! But a blog. A fucking blog. And can you guess who these kings would be? Yep. Bingo.

Wil Wheaton

and

Shane Nickerson

(Actually I think Wil is the King and Shane is the Duke).

Anyway, these asses sucked me in with their nerd lasers and jedi nerd tricks and now here we are.
You’ll find Wil's rendition of the 'bet' here at 'all lies dot com.'

But THIS is what really happened.

INT: BAR – NIGHT

Wil: “…and that Shane, is the metaphysical breakdown of internet poker blah blah boo boo nerd talk nerd talk check out my blog, I’m awesome, yada yada yada.”
Shane: “Oh Wil, you’re so smart.”
BEAT
Shane: “And hot.”
BEAT
Wil: “What?”
Shane: “What?”
Wil: “What?”

Annie: “Hey Wil. What’s your middle name?”
GIRL TALKING. NERDS BEGIN SWEATING.
Wil: “I’m not telling.”
Annie: “I’ll buy you a beer.”
Wil: “No, I have to drive. And I already had my limit."
Annie: "You had one sip of Shane’s."
Wil: "That's my limit."
Shane: (caressing bottle) "…and I’m saving this bottle forever."
BEAT
Wil: "What?"
Shane: "What?"
Wil: "What?"

Annie: "Ok, I’ll give you a dollar."
Wil: "No."
Annie: "Come on."
Wil: "No."
Annie: "I’ll 'rock, paper, scissors 'you for it."
Wil: "Whoa, whoa, whoa…(arms up in the air) do you know who you’re dealing with? I’m so fucking awesome at that game 'cuz I’m so fucking awesome."
Shane: "He got you."

CAMERA SNAPS

Annie: "Shut up Nickerson. Go vlog yourself! And stop taking pictures, asshole."
Wil: "Ok. If you beat me, I’ll tell you my middle name. If you don’t, you have to start a blog for ONE WEEK and update it EVERYDAY."
Annie: "I don’t know how to start a fucking blog."
Shane: "It’s really easy. You just blah blah dot com, talk about yourself, blah blah suck my dick, blah blah."

(Ok, Annie...Think...Think. You can beat these nerds.)

ANNIE DOWNS REST OF WINE

Annie: "Fine. Best out of three."
Wil: "No. One time."
Annie: "Why once?"
Wil: "Cuz I only do it once. FACE!"
WIL PUTS HAND IN ANNIE'S FACE.
NERDS MAKE NO SENSE.
Wil: "Point for me!"
(we were keeping points which is a whole other story.)
Shane: nerd laugh.
Wil: nerd laugh.
BOYS HIGH FIVE. STAR TREK COOL GUYS CLUB SHIT.
ANNIE ROLLS EYES.

Annie: "Ok. Here we go. One, two, three."
WIL THROWS ROCK.
ANNIE THROWS ROCK.
SHANE THROWS BACK BEER.

Annie: "Go! One, two, three."
WIL THROWS ROCK AGAIN.
ANNIE THROWS ROCK AGAIN.
SHANE GETS WOOD.

Annie: "Come on!"
Wil: "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Annie: "Yeah. Come on."
Shane: "Oh, by the way…if you lose, you have to name your blog 'Jesus’ Favorite.'
Annie: "What?"
Shane: “Jesus’ Favorite. Like you’re his favorite."
Wil: nerd laughing.
Shane: nerd laughing.
BOYS HIGH FIVE. STAR TREK COOL GUYS CLUB SHIT.
ANNIE ROLLS EYES AGAIN.

Annie: "Fine. Whatever. I’m not gonna lose."

-I know, I know.-

Annie: "Go!"
THE BAR GOES BLACK.
A SINGLE SPOT LIGHT FINDS OUR TABLE.
WE CUT TO SLOW-MO:

Annie: "One…"
SHANE LEANS IN.
WIL KISSES HIS HUGE BICEPS.
Annie: "Two…"
SHANE LEANS IN CLOSER...HIS B.O. INFILTRATING THE FREE AIR. ****** ATTENTION anyone who is now reading this stupid post a million light years after it's been written. Shane DID NOT have B.O. Nor has Shane EVER had BO the ba-jillion times I have seen him or shared a stage with him. See, bad writers like myself, grab at straws to try and set-up jokes or what we call 'heighten and explore' themes of a scene. So this bad writer grabbed at an 8th grade-this-will-be-good-joke, to try and make a theme work. A theme that didn't work. In fact, it's not even 8th grade. It's 4th grade. Got it? So, if you meet this fellow Shane someday, don't be lame and say..."Hey Dude, do you B.O. ha ha ha," cuz then YOU will look LIKE AN ASS 'cuz it will look like YOU also use bad non-true jokes like this writer. Thank you very much.
WIL SNIFFS FONDLY. ***** (See, Wil never sniffed fondly at anything. Cuz THERE WAS NOTHING TO SNIFF!!! Get it? No sniffing was going on. See, that's the writer trying to finish a joke. Yeah, you guys. So when you meet Wil Wheaton don't mention that either. Cuz IT'S NOT TRUE).
Annie: "Three…" ****** (Now that's true. I did say the word Three at some point that night).
WILL THROWS ROCK.
ANNIE THROWS...

"…ROCK…kind of…morphing into paper because paper beats rock, no wait, its scissors beats rock, ah, wine in my head, uh, throw scissors…no, paper…so much nerd energy around…uh..."

And before I could do anything, the 2 kings are having a nerd celebration with Ewoks and capes.

Wil: "Ha Ha. You gotta blog. Ha Ha!"
Shane: HA HA!
Annie: " No, we didn’t finish it! I never really threw anything!"
Wil: "FACE."
WIL'S HAND IN FACE AGAIN.
Shane: "Yeah, FACE!"
Annie: "Shut up Nickerson!"
Wil: "We’ll expect it tomorrow. Elbow and Send."
Shane: "Nailed you!"
Wil: "Nailed you- na na na na na!"
Shane: "...Internet poker, we love ourselves, boo bitty boo yeah yeah!"
Wil: "Seriously, I love me."
Shane: "I love you too."
BEAT
Wil: "What?"
Shane: "What?"
Wil: "What?"

BLACK OUT

So you see Blog? I never REALLY lost. I was suckered. Suckered by the nerds of the internet.

That’s the truth.

And then Blog? The worst part…

...the next day I find out Wil’s middle name.

It’s William.

Fucking William.

Shane says he didn't know. Yeah right.

Just wait Wil. Just wait Shane.

I have Jesus on my side. That's a picture of Me and Jesus.

And P.S. I don't pretend to know how to do any of this blogging shit...any uploads, or TrackBacks, or Permalinks XML css based unicode uni-brow bullcrap. All I know how to do is send these fuckers to nerd jail where they belong.

Elbow and Send.

ok. maybe that's me and Barry Gibb but still...

Comments

[Amber]

Oh god, you're hysterical! Please don't stop blogging; it's so hard to find Funny in Blogland.

PS - my husband sent me here. He's a nerd too.

/not a nerd
//just married to one
///heh. And feh. And meh. <---I know what these mean. Because I married a NERD!

[Wade]

EFFING NERDS! Damn them all, damnit!

[Julio Aguilar]

This was the funniest thing I've read in a lot of time.

Please keep writing. At least ocasionally.

[stephanie]

funniest blog i've read in 4 EV ER!
2 nerds and a 'cool chick' make for a great story!!

[Mike]

Glad you lost the bet, but next time check IMDB, Wil's full name is

"Richard William Wheaton III"

[eric]

"GIRL TALKING. NERDS BEGIN SWEATING."

freaking. hilarious.

keep it up.

[Skan]

pwned!!

[golfwidow]

Could you please be any funnier? I hope you'll stay longer than a week.

[dana]

I'm glad you lost the best. This blog is hawesome, in Nickerson speak.

[kirk]

Annie...too funny. Way better than a lot of Wil's stuff (sorry Wil!). Keep writing, if only to keep him on his toes.

[Dave Westbay]

Annie, this is too funny. If you don't keep blogging, you must direct me to other places where I can read your work, or see it onstage, or on TV, or somewhere. I must have more!

[Brian]

Best of all, of all three of the players involved, your version of the story actually was the most coherent!

Well done first blog out of the gate. Oh, and great show Saturday! The "Tribute" sketches rocked!!

[Karla Jameson]

Best. Story. Evar.

[adena bailey]

Richard William Wheaton III.

Really, it's not that hard to find!

I'm glad you lost the bet, and had to write a blog, tho!

Kudos! Funny stuff!

[ShaneSerack]

Great Scott, Annie...that's a riot! I am going to echo a lot of prior comments but you simply NEED to do more of this.

"the 2 kings are having a nerd celebration with Ewoks and capes"

That just says -so- much. Best laugh I've had in a while. Love the format. Keep at it?

Wil's right, you won this round....by a LONG ol shot.

[Triston]

lol....
nerds rule!

Keep the blog going its great!

[Jessie]

This is definitely the best version of "the bet" out there. Sorry, but it is just so funny! I laughed out loud at work reading this. It's great. :)

[Sandra M.]

This was the SECOND biggest mistake Wil has ever made! First he gives up Trek, now he makes you start up your own blog. Wil, you have some serious competion now! Seriously, you two make a perfect couple!

[phedrang]

I can sort of sympathize and not, being a semi-nerd myself - I am subjected to watching with boyfriend - StarGate marathon Mondays every week. Now I got something to read while they're playing. Congratulations on toasting them two!

[SushiKnight]

HA! That's great! I've been rssing Wil's feed for a while now. Lots of fun... you're definately on my RSS list. Henh!

Geeks rule.

... *reads over comment*

... man... I sound like such a nerd there.

meh.

[Madie]

Ok there is just something wrong with getting this many comments on an unknown blog. Nicely done!!

Madie

[Princess Anna]

Oh. My. God.

That was fucking hilarious. I am SO blogrolling you. *LoL*

[Fabulous Geek]

Right. Remind me to make a bet like that with some people. because my blog is so great blah di blah blah blah nery talkk geeky stuff blah blah blah.

[Heather]

Fan-fucking-tastic.

That is all.

[arifa]

Annie = Jesus' favorite
Annie = my favorite
ergo...
ACK! I'M JESUS!

Here's to hoping you get addicted to the ego-rush of people commenting and telling you how great you are. It would be sad if we all had to live without your brilliance now that we know of it.