bet

I lost a bet.

So now I have to start a blog.

It’s that simple.

Apparently the Kings of Nerdville decided this would be fair punishment. Not a shot, or a drink, or something normal! But a blog. A fucking blog. And can you guess who these kings would be? Yep. Bingo.

Wil Wheaton

and

Shane Nickerson

(Actually I think Wil is the King and Shane is the Duke).

Anyway, these asses sucked me in with their nerd lasers and jedi nerd tricks and now here we are.
You’ll find Wil's rendition of the 'bet' here at 'all lies dot com.'

But THIS is what really happened.

INT: BAR – NIGHT

Wil: “…and that Shane, is the metaphysical breakdown of internet poker blah blah boo boo nerd talk nerd talk check out my blog, I’m awesome, yada yada yada.”
Shane: “Oh Wil, you’re so smart.”
BEAT
Shane: “And hot.”
BEAT
Wil: “What?”
Shane: “What?”
Wil: “What?”

Annie: “Hey Wil. What’s your middle name?”
GIRL TALKING. NERDS BEGIN SWEATING.
Wil: “I’m not telling.”
Annie: “I’ll buy you a beer.”
Wil: “No, I have to drive. And I already had my limit."
Annie: "You had one sip of Shane’s."
Wil: "That's my limit."
Shane: (caressing bottle) "…and I’m saving this bottle forever."
BEAT
Wil: "What?"
Shane: "What?"
Wil: "What?"

Annie: "Ok, I’ll give you a dollar."
Wil: "No."
Annie: "Come on."
Wil: "No."
Annie: "I’ll 'rock, paper, scissors 'you for it."
Wil: "Whoa, whoa, whoa…(arms up in the air) do you know who you’re dealing with? I’m so fucking awesome at that game 'cuz I’m so fucking awesome."
Shane: "He got you."

CAMERA SNAPS

Annie: "Shut up Nickerson. Go vlog yourself! And stop taking pictures, asshole."
Wil: "Ok. If you beat me, I’ll tell you my middle name. If you don’t, you have to start a blog for ONE WEEK and update it EVERYDAY."
Annie: "I don’t know how to start a fucking blog."
Shane: "It’s really easy. You just blah blah dot com, talk about yourself, blah blah suck my dick, blah blah."

(Ok, Annie...Think...Think. You can beat these nerds.)

ANNIE DOWNS REST OF WINE

Annie: "Fine. Best out of three."
Wil: "No. One time."
Annie: "Why once?"
Wil: "Cuz I only do it once. FACE!"
WIL PUTS HAND IN ANNIE'S FACE.
NERDS MAKE NO SENSE.
Wil: "Point for me!"
(we were keeping points which is a whole other story.)
Shane: nerd laugh.
Wil: nerd laugh.
BOYS HIGH FIVE. STAR TREK COOL GUYS CLUB SHIT.
ANNIE ROLLS EYES.

Annie: "Ok. Here we go. One, two, three."
WIL THROWS ROCK.
ANNIE THROWS ROCK.
SHANE THROWS BACK BEER.

Annie: "Go! One, two, three."
WIL THROWS ROCK AGAIN.
ANNIE THROWS ROCK AGAIN.
SHANE GETS WOOD.

Annie: "Come on!"
Wil: "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Annie: "Yeah. Come on."
Shane: "Oh, by the way…if you lose, you have to name your blog 'Jesus’ Favorite.'
Annie: "What?"
Shane: “Jesus’ Favorite. Like you’re his favorite."
Wil: nerd laughing.
Shane: nerd laughing.
BOYS HIGH FIVE. STAR TREK COOL GUYS CLUB SHIT.
ANNIE ROLLS EYES AGAIN.

Annie: "Fine. Whatever. I’m not gonna lose."

-I know, I know.-

Annie: "Go!"
THE BAR GOES BLACK.
A SINGLE SPOT LIGHT FINDS OUR TABLE.
WE CUT TO SLOW-MO:

Annie: "One…"
SHANE LEANS IN.
WIL KISSES HIS HUGE BICEPS.
Annie: "Two…"
SHANE LEANS IN CLOSER...HIS B.O. INFILTRATING THE FREE AIR. ****** ATTENTION anyone who is now reading this stupid post a million light years after it's been written. Shane DID NOT have B.O. Nor has Shane EVER had BO the ba-jillion times I have seen him or shared a stage with him. See, bad writers like myself, grab at straws to try and set-up jokes or what we call 'heighten and explore' themes of a scene. So this bad writer grabbed at an 8th grade-this-will-be-good-joke, to try and make a theme work. A theme that didn't work. In fact, it's not even 8th grade. It's 4th grade. Got it? So, if you meet this fellow Shane someday, don't be lame and say..."Hey Dude, do you B.O. ha ha ha," cuz then YOU will look LIKE AN ASS 'cuz it will look like YOU also use bad non-true jokes like this writer. Thank you very much.
WIL SNIFFS FONDLY. ***** (See, Wil never sniffed fondly at anything. Cuz THERE WAS NOTHING TO SNIFF!!! Get it? No sniffing was going on. See, that's the writer trying to finish a joke. Yeah, you guys. So when you meet Wil Wheaton don't mention that either. Cuz IT'S NOT TRUE).
Annie: "Three…" ****** (Now that's true. I did say the word Three at some point that night).
WILL THROWS ROCK.
ANNIE THROWS...

"…ROCK…kind of…morphing into paper because paper beats rock, no wait, its scissors beats rock, ah, wine in my head, uh, throw scissors…no, paper…so much nerd energy around…uh..."

And before I could do anything, the 2 kings are having a nerd celebration with Ewoks and capes.

Wil: "Ha Ha. You gotta blog. Ha Ha!"
Shane: HA HA!
Annie: " No, we didn’t finish it! I never really threw anything!"
Wil: "FACE."
WIL'S HAND IN FACE AGAIN.
Shane: "Yeah, FACE!"
Annie: "Shut up Nickerson!"
Wil: "We’ll expect it tomorrow. Elbow and Send."
Shane: "Nailed you!"
Wil: "Nailed you- na na na na na!"
Shane: "...Internet poker, we love ourselves, boo bitty boo yeah yeah!"
Wil: "Seriously, I love me."
Shane: "I love you too."
BEAT
Wil: "What?"
Shane: "What?"
Wil: "What?"

BLACK OUT

So you see Blog? I never REALLY lost. I was suckered. Suckered by the nerds of the internet.

That’s the truth.

And then Blog? The worst part…

...the next day I find out Wil’s middle name.

It’s William.

Fucking William.

Shane says he didn't know. Yeah right.

Just wait Wil. Just wait Shane.

I have Jesus on my side. That's a picture of Me and Jesus.

And P.S. I don't pretend to know how to do any of this blogging shit...any uploads, or TrackBacks, or Permalinks XML css based unicode uni-brow bullcrap. All I know how to do is send these fuckers to nerd jail where they belong.

Elbow and Send.

ok. maybe that's me and Barry Gibb but still...

Comments

[shane]

Wait. I have BO?

[AJ]

This blog is Jesus' favorite? But can Jews read this site? I mean, I'm not Jewish. I'm asking on their behalf. Not that they need ME asking on their behalf. After all, my last name is Gentile. But I thought I would ask.

[Foxforcefive]

Hilarious! You could be a great blogger, stick with it, and you already have mad publicity from Shane and Wil!

[heather]

That is the funniest thing I have read all week...Wil should have you ghost write his blog! The image of Wil kissing his biceps is what had me on the floor laughing. Thanks for explaining the situation fully and truthfully....Wil was so vague, I felt like an outsider...but you, you had me right there at the table. EXCELLENT!

[Jonas]

This is one of the funniest things I've read in weeks. Keep it up; you may become the most famous anti-blogger on the internet!

[sumo]

Oh man! You so win because YOUR BLOG KICKS WIL AND SHANE'S RIGHT IN THE NUTS!! Pleeeease keep it up!

[Wil]

oh my god, annie. you totally nailed it.

blah blah boo boo nerd talk nerd talk check out my blog, I’m awesome, yada yada yada.

[John Doom]

Shane, Wil... This blog is funnier then yours. (except the ball cancer story, that one still wins)

I think you've just been owned.

[KidHerder]

Yes, the Anti-Blogger. Sounds perfect. You have the nerd interaction perfect.

Kid Herder

[garlic]

I don't think being the anti-blogger, blogger thing can hold up for long though. Because if you do it more than a month, you're not that anti.

[Kitty]

You had me in bits with 'Girls talk, nerds begin sweating'. So true. Even when girl is also nerd, they simply can't cope, hee.

[anj]

LMGDAO!!! Welcome to the blogging community, Annie. I thouroughly enjoyed your post. I could almost smell the BO in the air...

[scott]

HIL-ARIOUS!

[Charlie Fleming]

This is it, hands down, the funniest GD thing I've ever read. "nerd celebration with Ewoks and capes"...holy crap I'm cryin'.

[kaellinn18]

Best... story... EVAR!

[CatPants]

This was seriously the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Ewoks and Capes? Absofuckinglutely. However, my favorite part was this:
BEAT
Wil: "What?"
Shane: "What?"
Wil: "What?"
It made me pee myself. I think all of your blogs should be in script form... so I can keep peeing myself.

[shane]

OK you guys, seriously...I don't have BO. Tell them Annie. Tell them I don't stink like a hobo. (Unless I'm wearing Kevin's nasty Cowboys jersey for that one sketch when I'm the gay one.) Awww...forget it.

Nailed.
Ewok.
It.

[Nutcase]

Now HANG ON.....am I to understand that chicks don't dig the nerd lingo? I'VE WASTED SO MUCH TIME!

[Morgan]

Amazing what a lost bet will have us doing. You are very funny.

[Papergrrl]

SFX: LAUGHTER EXPLODING INTO A FIT OF COUGHS

Just wait until Wil gets Chris "Jesus" Ferguson to make a comment.

[gozo]

Welcome to the new(er) world. :-) Keep writing like that, and... well, keep writing like that. It's what Wil calls "teh funnay!"

[amyv]

Very funny!

[BigDubb]

Very entertainmenting.

It will be interesting to see if the geekdome of Shane and Wil will (wil will tee hee) rub off on you. (tee hee again, rub off...)

Wait a minute, something's fishy here.

Wil William Wheaton. Do his initials actualy make WWW. Ok this is getting freakin' crazy here.

Maybe he was clandestine to be a blogging entity.

[Matt]

YEEHAW!!! Nerds of the world unite and conquer!

We have you, Annie, in our tractor beam. You will be one of us. HA!

[JessHollis]

Great blog, Annie! Wil's and Shane's blogs own the funny....go take it from them! You've earned it! :)
BEAT