I lost a bet.
So now I have to start a blog.
It’s that simple.
Apparently the Kings of Nerdville decided this would be fair punishment. Not a shot, or a drink, or something normal! But a blog. A fucking blog. And can you guess who these kings would be? Yep. Bingo.
(Actually I think Wil is the King and Shane is the Duke).
Anyway, these asses sucked me in with their nerd lasers and jedi nerd tricks and now here we are.
You’ll find Wil's rendition of the 'bet' here at 'all lies dot com.'
But THIS is what really happened.
INT: BAR – NIGHT
Wil: “…and that Shane, is the metaphysical breakdown of internet poker blah blah boo boo nerd talk nerd talk check out my blog, I’m awesome, yada yada yada.”
Shane: “Oh Wil, you’re so smart.”
Shane: “And hot.”
Annie: “Hey Wil. What’s your middle name?”
GIRL TALKING. NERDS BEGIN SWEATING.
Wil: “I’m not telling.”
Annie: “I’ll buy you a beer.”
Wil: “No, I have to drive. And I already had my limit."
Annie: "You had one sip of Shane’s."
Wil: "That's my limit."
Shane: (caressing bottle) "…and I’m saving this bottle forever."
Annie: "Ok, I’ll give you a dollar."
Annie: "Come on."
Annie: "I’ll 'rock, paper, scissors 'you for it."
Wil: "Whoa, whoa, whoa…(arms up in the air) do you know who you’re dealing with? I’m so fucking awesome at that game 'cuz I’m so fucking awesome."
Shane: "He got you."
Annie: "Shut up Nickerson. Go vlog yourself! And stop taking pictures, asshole."
Wil: "Ok. If you beat me, I’ll tell you my middle name. If you don’t, you have to start a blog for ONE WEEK and update it EVERYDAY."
Annie: "I don’t know how to start a fucking blog."
Shane: "It’s really easy. You just blah blah dot com, talk about yourself, blah blah suck my dick, blah blah."
(Ok, Annie...Think...Think. You can beat these nerds.)
ANNIE DOWNS REST OF WINE
Annie: "Fine. Best out of three."
Wil: "No. One time."
Annie: "Why once?"
Wil: "Cuz I only do it once. FACE!"
WIL PUTS HAND IN ANNIE'S FACE.
NERDS MAKE NO SENSE.
Wil: "Point for me!"
(we were keeping points which is a whole other story.)
Shane: nerd laugh.
Wil: nerd laugh.
BOYS HIGH FIVE. STAR TREK COOL GUYS CLUB SHIT.
ANNIE ROLLS EYES.
Annie: "Ok. Here we go. One, two, three."
WIL THROWS ROCK.
ANNIE THROWS ROCK.
SHANE THROWS BACK BEER.
Annie: "Go! One, two, three."
WIL THROWS ROCK AGAIN.
ANNIE THROWS ROCK AGAIN.
SHANE GETS WOOD.
Annie: "Come on!"
Wil: "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Annie: "Yeah. Come on."
Shane: "Oh, by the way…if you lose, you have to name your blog 'Jesus’ Favorite.'
Shane: “Jesus’ Favorite. Like you’re his favorite."
Wil: nerd laughing.
Shane: nerd laughing.
BOYS HIGH FIVE. STAR TREK COOL GUYS CLUB SHIT.
ANNIE ROLLS EYES AGAIN.
Annie: "Fine. Whatever. I’m not gonna lose."
-I know, I know.-
THE BAR GOES BLACK.
A SINGLE SPOT LIGHT FINDS OUR TABLE.
WE CUT TO SLOW-MO:
SHANE LEANS IN.
WIL KISSES HIS HUGE BICEPS.
SHANE LEANS IN CLOSER...HIS B.O. INFILTRATING THE FREE AIR. ****** ATTENTION anyone who is now reading this post a million light years after it's been written. Shane DID NOT have B.O. Nor has Shane EVER had BO the ba-jillion times I have seen him or shared a stage with him. I just wrote it for effect. :)
WIL SNIFFS FONDLY. ***** (See, Wil never sniffed fondly at anything. Cuz THERE WAS NOTHING TO SNIFF!!! Get it? No sniffing was going on. See, that's the writer trying to finish a joke. Yeah, you guys. So when you meet Wil Wheaton don't mention that either. Cuz IT'S NOT TRUE).
Annie: "Three…" ****** (Now that's true. I did say the word Three at some point that night).
WILL THROWS ROCK.
"…ROCK…kind of…morphing into paper because paper beats rock, no wait, its scissors beats rock, ah, wine in my head, uh, throw scissors…no, paper…so much nerd energy around…uh..."
And before I could do anything, the 2 kings are having a nerd celebration with Ewoks and capes.
Wil: "Ha Ha. You gotta blog. Ha Ha!"
Shane: HA HA!
Annie: " No, we didn’t finish it! I never really threw anything!"
WIL'S HAND IN FACE AGAIN.
Shane: "Yeah, FACE!"
Annie: "Shut up Nickerson!"
Wil: "We’ll expect it tomorrow. Elbow and Send."
Shane: "Nailed you!"
Wil: "Nailed you- na na na na na!"
Shane: "...Internet poker, we love ourselves, boo bitty boo yeah yeah!"
Wil: "Seriously, I love me."
Shane: "I love you too."
So you see Blog? I never REALLY lost. I was suckered. Suckered by the nerds of the internet.
That’s the truth.
And then Blog? The worst part…
...the next day I find out Wil’s middle name.
Shane says he didn't know. Yeah right.
Just wait Wil. Just wait Shane.
And P.S. I don't pretend to know how to do any of this blogging shit...any uploads, or TrackBacks, or Permalinks XML css based unicode uni-brow bullcrap. All I know how to do is send these fuckers to nerd jail where they belong.
Elbow and Send.
ok. maybe that's me and Barry Gibb but still...